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An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Have you heard about the new dog cross-breeds? They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport. They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot. They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is Peekasso, an abstract dog. They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever. The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers. They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet. They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel. The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean. They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound. The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador. The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly. They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer. The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by...

Guy walks into a bar looking pretty haggard, and takes a seat. Bartender offers him a shot tequila. Guy refuses, saying "That's what I was drinking last night." "I went home and it was sick. I blew chunks everywhere." "Blew chunks in the bathroom, in the living room, and in the bedroom." Bartender says, "That's nothing to be ashamed of, everyone gets sick." Guy responds, "Chunks is my dog." .

This the the image that was on a recent birthday card to me: I'm so offended! I am a very uptight, stodgy, stick in the mud, conservative LADY. How dare someone give me a card like this! PS. NOT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of ...

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!! 2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT! 3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it! 5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. 7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! 8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. 9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur? 10. How you act ...

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," sai...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: Sip the vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was ston...

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. Tags: Jokes

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied:... "I think I ju...

An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinated on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to rin...

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer. He said, "My dog can do math calculations." His dog's name was T-Square and the engineer told his dog to get some paper and do calculations, which the dog did - no problem. The second man was an accountant. He said his dog was better. His dog, Slide Rule, was told to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into three equal piles, which the dog did - no problem. The third man was a chemist. He told his dog, Measure, to get a quart of milk and pour 7 ounces into a 10-ounce glass. The dog did - no problem. All three agreed each dog was very smart. Then they turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?" The teamster's dog was named Coffee-break. He said, "Show these boys what you can do." Coffee-break went over, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he hurt his back, filed a grievance for unsafe working...

Dogs don't cry. Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. Dogs are excited by rough play. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. Dogs understand that farts are funny. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. Dogs don't shop. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dog's parent's never visit. Dogs love long car trips. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. Do...

How to Photograph a New Puppy Remove film from box and load camera. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash. Remove puppy from trash, brush coffee grounds from muzzle. Choose a suitable background for photo. Mount camera on tripod and focus. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens. Put cat outside, clean the scratch on puppy's nose. Put magazines back on coffee table. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!" Clean up mess. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy to "sit" and "stay" soon.

What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. They whine when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats. What is a Dog? Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things wit...

(Be sure to read down to Day 12) On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me The Santa topper from the Christmas tree. On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me Two leaking bubble lights And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree. On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me Three punctured ornaments Two leaking bubble lights And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree. On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me Four broken window candles Three punctured ornaments Two leaking bubble lights And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree. On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me Five chewed-up stockings Four broken window candles Three punctured ornaments Two leaking bubble lights And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree. On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me Six yards of soggy ribbon Five chewed-up stockings Four broken window candles Three punctured ornaments Two leaking bubble lights And the Santa topper from t...

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -Ben Williams A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -Josh Billings The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -Andy Rooney I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P. Jones My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe Weinstein You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras If you...

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who: would treat her nicely wouldn't run away from her would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you." "Yes, but are you good in bed?" "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"