Men Do Leave

There's one conversation that my hubby has a lot with his male friends. He says he cannot understand it when a man will say "I don't know how you do it. If it was my wife, I'd leave skid marks getting out of there.". He can't understand how a man could marry his supposed true love and then be able to leave her when she's most vulnerable.

But the sad fact is Men (and Women) Do Leave. The government's National Health Interview Survey of nearly 50,000 households in 1994 said 20.7 percent of the disabled adults among those polled were divorced or separated, compared with 13.1 percent of those without disabilities.

Living with a disabled spouse isn't easy. One of the first effects of disability in a family can be felt in the pocket book. I know my income went from $45,000 a year with IBM to $10,000 with SSI. And our medical expenses and premiums have skyrocketed, even with excellent insurance. On the other hand, we don't spend money going out to dinner or movies anymore. But when one's income is cut by 1/4, major changes have to occur in the household. One big change for us was moving to Texas. The cost of living here is much cheaper than New York, and the practically year-round warm weather has been crucial to my health and well-being.

Our social life has changed drastically. Where once we were "rock stars", we're now homebodies. The hubby and I were always involved in the local music scene, either going out to see bands, or performing in bands. We were also avid rock climbers, hiking up Mohonk Mountain at least once a month. All that is no more.

Another effect is on the couple's sex life. Let's face it, sex is a very physical act. If it's tiring to do a load of laundry, the thought of having sex is like deciding to run a marathon!

One thing that I've tried to do was to encourage the hubby to have outside interests. He now has a few hobbies that he does on his own. He watches NASCAR races (as I ask "are they still going round and round?), and he builds model cars. He needed and deserved to do something that wasn't in any way related to me or my disability.

Luckily for us, the transition into this new era of our lives was slow. Except financially... I lost my job with IBM very early on. But everything else went gradually. And it gave us time to adapt and evolve.

As the hubby says, "Life is full of life's little emergencies. You gotta just go with the flow."

I feel very lucky to have a man that can "roll with it". We're now rolling thru life together, me on wheels and him always by my side.